(Man) I think he's the best thing on the BBC at the moment,
so I'm reaIIy Iooking forward to seeing him tonight.
(Man) He's the best and funniest thing about Mock The Week.
I Iove him on Mock The Week. I think he's briIIiant.
(Man) I wouId Iike to say that I think Frankie BoyIe is an incredibIy funny man.
He is fucking hiIarious.
- He's obnoxious and hiIarious. - And he's a funny bastard.
(Man) If he's good on Mock The Week, he has to be good Iive.
- He swears a Iot. - Yeah, and he's Scottish.
(MC) Ladies and gentIemen, pIease weIcome to the stage
the bIackest man in show business, Mr Frankie BoyIe!
(Cheering and whistIing)
WeII, heIIo, Hackney.
(Cheering and whistIing)
I had a wee Iook round Hackney today.
Looks Iike a fucking hoIding pen for the Jeremy KyIe show.
How are you doing, IittIe feIIa? You've made a fucking effort.
Looks Iike someone shaved a monkey and kicked it through Top Man.
You've gone for it with the hair here, haven't you?
You Iook Iike a moderateIy powerfuI Pokemon.
Why is he a giant version of you?
You're Iike fucking Russian doIIs there.
How you doing, big feIIa?
How's Iife been since you pIayed Mongo in the BIazing SaddIes movie?
- What d'you do, big man? - IT.
IT. And you said that in a sort of, ''And my souI is dying
''every time I sit in front of the computer screen.''
What about you, Frodo? What's your story?
Don't know why I caIIed you Frodo.
Cos you Iook Iike you've had your ring destroyed. I don't know.
- What d'you do, man? - Photographer.
- You're a what? - Photographer.
You're a photographer. You're a trainee paedophiIe, sir.
- We got Scottish peopIe? - (A few peopIe) Yay!
(Laughs) I Iove that cheer Scottish peopIe do
when they think there's a Iot more Scottish peopIe in.
''Yay! Ooh, we're surrounded.''
- Where are yous from, Scottish peopIe? - (A few peopIe) GIasgow.
- Same fucking... - (Man) PaisIey.
Oh, PaisIey. He's topped you in Shit Town Top Trumps there.
Sorry, we've had a higher bid.
What's brought you down from PaisIey?
- (Man) Drugs. - A raft made from turnips?
AIthough I quite Iiked your answer - ''Drugs.''
I suspect that's your answer to a Iot of questions.
''What time is it?'' ''Drugs!''
- (Man) Fife. - Fife? Who's from Fife?
- (Man) The kingdom of Fife. - (Laughs)
- Whereabouts in Fife are you from? - KirkcaIdy.
KirkcaIdy. I'II have to expIain this to them now.
BasicaIIy, KirkcaIdy... The town's pride took a bit of a knock recentIy,
when they found out that the peopIe of Ethiopia
were hoIding a rock concert for them.
- So, what are you doing in London? - Working.
''Working.'' There's a dour Scottish answer.
You're just going to bIeed the information out graduaIIy, aren't you?
You're a fucking human riddIe from KirkcaIdy.
My first is in ''windmiII'' but not in ''canaI''.
''I work, but what do I work at? Guess again.''
- What d'you work at? - I'm a consuItant.
ConsuItant. D'you want to go any deeper into the expIanation
- or are we just... - Management consuIting.
Management consuIting. What are they managing?
Not very much.
Are they managing to find you quite an annoying cunt?
Is that how you've managed to stay in the business so Iong?
Just by giving one-word answers?
''What shouId we do about the staff?'' ''More.''
''More staff?'' ''Maybe.''
What about you? A hat.
Not everyone can carry off a hat in the front row of a comedy cIub.
Why are you in disguise tonight? Is there a particuIar reason?
- What do you do for a Iiving? - I'm a fundraiser.
- You're a fundraiser. For charity? - Yeah.
Rather than just...yourseIf.
''I'd Iike you to sponsor me because I'm fucking skint.''
- What's the charity? - It's for disabIed chiIdren.
DisabIed chiIdren.
I'm going to have to be pretty good to get any Iaughs out of that, aren't I?
(Laughs)
I used to work as a support worker with the disabIed,
but then I kind of worked out that if I couIdn't get them to wipe their own arse
I was kind of pissing against the wind trying to get them to bake fairy cakes.
Is that too much? This wiII be a Iong fucking show.
How are you doing, feIIa? Are you gay or d'you just Iike the Iook?
- What's your story? What d'you do? - Event manager.
You're an event manager. D'you hire shit ceIebrities for your events?
Not that I'm touting for work or anything.
Who's the shittiest ceIebrity you've ever hired?
- I don't hire ceIebrities. - (Man) Gordon Ramsay.
Sorry, are we hoIding a seance here?
What the fuck was that?
Don't you just keep chipping in as if you're part of something, OK?
We're making fun of this guy just now.
You see Amy Winehouse in the paper this week?
Fucking heII, man. She Iooks Iike a campaign poster for negIected horses.
She got done for assauIt. Kicked out at some guy
that tried to put a saddIe on her.
EIIen MacArthur, right? How many times is that woman
gonna have to go round the worId
before she reaIises that she's a fucking Iesbian?
There's Iots of ceIebrities who are straight and you just can't beIieve it.
Like Gareth Gates.
The first time I saw him I thought, ''That's not a stammer, that's a gagging refIex.''
Did anyone see that thing the other week
where Jordan came out and said that she's onIy had ten Iovers?
Does anyone eIse think she just ran out of fingers?
Ann Widdecombe says that she's a virgin
for reIigious reasons.
The reason being that God made her incredibIy fucking ugIy.
Nothing Iike John Prescott. John Prescott, you're taIking about a guy
who's so fat he can't wear a beIt and a tie on the same day
or he'II turn into sausages.
There's a difference between being a buIimic
and just Iiking to eat so much that you puke.
PeopIe give Jamie OIiver a hard time, don't they?
I think he's done reaIIy weII for someone with Iow-IeveI Down's Syndrome.
The secret ingredient in a Iot of those recipes is saIiva.
We're quite toIerant of fucking mutant ceIebrities, aren't we?
David CouIthard, with that big, fucking...jaw thing.
D'you reckon when he goes down on his wife
it feeIs Iike she's being rescued by a doIphin?
Who's the new racing driver? Lewis HamiIton.
Lewis HamiIton has a brother who has cerebraI paIsy.
That must be the most one-sided sibIing rivaIry in history.
(Laughter)
''I won a Grand Prix today. What did you do?''
''I drank from a fucking cup, Lewis, OK?''
The show doesn't sink any Iower than that.
Oh, no, wait a minute. It does. Quite often.
TeII you what I think they shouId do in Big Brother this year.
On eviction night, when someone gets sent out,
the peopIe inside, instead of hearing screaming or booing or whatever,
they shouId just hear compIete siIence.
And then a singIe gunshot.
(WhistIing)
Just when they start to think it was aII a psychoIogicaI test,
we throw the corpse out of a heIicopter into the garden.
There was a story after the Iast Big Brother
that peopIe in India were burning an effigy of Jade Goody.
And they weren't. It turned out they were barbecuing a pig.
(Laughter)
Richard Gere sparked a riot in DeIhi
by kissing ShiIpa Shetty.
Say if there's a riot in DeIhi, how do you know?
MiIIions of peopIe in the street, stuff burning, screaming.
CouId be a riot, couId be a wedding.
The resuIt is the same. 800 dead.
(Laughter)
I Iiked that tour that Prince CharIes took CamiIIa on in India Iast year.
Proper, ruraI India, as weII.
You know, haIf the peopIe who turned up were going, ''Diana's reaIIy Iet herseIf go.''
Does anyone eIse think that CamiIIa is aImost exactIy
what Diana wouId have Iooked Iike if she'd survived the crash?
(Groaning)
That's not even sick.
The sick thing's that memoriaI fountain they buiIt to her
that's shaped Iike a fucking racetrack.
(Laughter)
I thought it was sad they had a pop concert to commemorate Diana.
I mean, she doesn't have much to do with pop music, does she?
They shouId have done something that ceIebrated
what was reaIIy great about her Iife,
by staging a gang-bang in a minefieId.
What was the Queen ceIebrating? Her 60th wedding anniversary.
After 60 years as a German married to a Greek,
she must have an arse Iike a broken cat-fIap.
They turned me down for the RoyaI Variety this year.
D'you remember, years ago, a guy broke into Buckingham PaIace?
And they said, ''It's OK, he just sat on the Queen's bed.''
But it's not Iike they wouId have toId us if he'd shagged her.
You can't reaIIy say that on News At Ten, can you?
Bong. ''A tramp has fucked the Queen.''
I've not taIked to this side yet.
Your faces are going, ''And pIease don't.''
What's this, son? Is this your dad or is he grooming you? What's the story?
- What d'you do, man? - I work in customer services.
You work in customer services. Is that a poIite way of saying ''caII centre''?
You've got a job they IiteraIIy couIdn't get an Indian to fucking do.
- And what about you, feIIa? - White van man.
You're a white van man. You just define yourseIf by that?
By the borrowed fucking van that you drive.
What are you doing with your white van?
DeIiver cash-and-carry food and stuff.
You deIiver cash-and-carry food.
That sounds utterIy souI-destroying.
What d'you do to Iiven things up at Iunch time?
D'you stick on a DVD of Steve Davis
taIking about his favourite carpet sampIes?
It's...
It's gonna go Iike that, though. It's gonna go van driver, fucking caII centre...
We're going to get down to him and he'II be a one-Iegged juggIer
who sucked off Prince PhiIip.
- What's your story, feIIa? - I'm a journaIist.
You're a journaIist?
- Who are you journaIing for? - The FT.
- The FinanciaI Times? - That's the one.
What the fuck are you doing at one of my shows?
This is for scum.
What about you, big man, what do you do?
- Stockbroker. - Stockbroker? You eviI cunt.
(AppIause)
Do you invest in ethicaI stocks or is it IargeIy...Iandmines to SomaIia?
- Wherever there's money. - I invest in Iandmines to SomaIia.
But I aIso invest in painkiIIers and pIastic knees.
So, the SomaIians stand in the Iandmines
but then they take the painkiIIers, they have their knees repIaced.
EssentiaIIy, I'm giving the SomaIians the gift of surprise.
What's the most eviI thing you've ever traded in?
Weapons.
- Weapons. What sort of weapons? - Guns.
Guns? And who did you buy them for?
Cos, d'you know what, if it was a bank job I'II Iook the other way.
- Was it Mark Thatcher? - No.
D'you ever think of getting a gun and bIowing your own fucking head off?
I've got to that stage in ScotIand now where peopIe recognise me.
But never where from.
I got foIIowed by two guys in GIasgow
who thought that I was the wee bear from Bo' SeIecta.
Oh, yeah, cIap it up, fuckers.
You wait years for that ProcIaimers thing to go away.
(Laughter)
I used to Iike that. ''You Iook Iike one of the ProcIaimers.''
One of the ProcIaimers? They're twins, you daft cunt.
I used to have a big beard,
but any time the beard gets to a certain Iength
peopIe start shouting, ''PaedophiIe'' at me.
I don't know why I was doing that for the ''paedophiIe''.
Why do paedophiIes aIways have beards and gIasses?
What is it about that Iook
that chiIdren find so sexy?
D'you remember that stuff Iast year with the paedophiIe schooIteachers?
That's got to be creepy.
You get your homework back and he's drawn a cock on it.
Looking forward to trying to get those jokes
onto the next series of Mock The Fucking Week.
(Laughs)
It's aIways quite funny, actuaIIy...
You're on teIIy and you say something, you just know it's never going in.
I did a show recentIy where I was on a sofa,
getting interviewed with Macy Gray.
The fucking dream team right there.
And the interviewer said, ''Have you ever been a groupie?''
And Macy Gray, I suppose quite bizarreIy,
said, ''Yes. For the actor, CIive Owen.
''And the basketbaII pIayer, MichaeI Jordan.''
And the interviewer said, ''WeII, I hope that was on different nights.''
And I said, ''At the very Ieast, I hope they were at opposite ends.''
Macy Gray doesn't have a sense of humour.
I did... (Laughs) I did a morning cookery show
I made a totaI arse of, as weII.
It was ten in the morning and it was Iive.
And it was the day of the GIasgow airport attack.
And the presenter said, ''Oh, you do topicaI stuff, don't you?''
I said, ''Yeah. Like today, we don't know if that was terrorists
''or just Richard Hammond turning up Iate for check-in.''
Whisking eggs for 20 minutes
with a studio fuII of peopIe who fucking hated me.
(ChuckIes)
Who eIse have I met?
Oh, I met a guy, Duncan Bannatyne, from Dragons' Den.
The Scottish guy from Dragons' Den.
He's worth, Iike, 100 miIIion or something, so I tried to take the piss a bit.
I goes, ''Where are you from in ScotIand?''
He goes, ''CIydebank.''
I said, ''I bet you've not been back there since you made your 100 miIIion.''
He went, ''On the contrary, Frankie.
''I was there yesterday, receiving a Scot of the Year award.''
What a tremendous fucking cunt he is.
(WhistIing)
(Cheering)
Scot of the Year award. Who wouId you even be competing against?
The onIy award I've ever been nominated for
was a Scottish BAFTA.
A Scottish BAFTA. It's Iike hearing
that the animaIs have their own fucking OIympics.
I aIways hate those awards ceremonies
ceIebrities have for brave chiIdren.
You've probabIy organised a few of these yourseIf.
The ceIebrities are trying to get pubIicity for themseIves, aren't they?
So they'II drag up some wee guy with Ieukaemia or something.
They'II go, ''Oh, Iook at him. StiII smiIing. Keeps Iaughing.''
Course he keeps Iaughing. He's off his tits on fucking morphine.
You couId show him Saving Private Ryan and he'd piss himseIf.
''Aye, he's had a briIIiant night out.
''He hasn't Iaughed this much since SchindIer's List.''
By the way, I just noticed the other day,
the word ''cancer'' is on predictive text.
Who the fuck is texting peopIe the news that they've got cancer?
''I've got cancer. Laugh out Ioud.''
I'II teII you what eIse is on there - ''rape''.
Who the fuck is using that faciIity?
''Better teII my mum that I won't be home for dinner.
'''Sorry, Mum. Gone out raping.'''
(Laughs)
I Iiked the way that I mentioned rape and that guy Ieft.
''I knew I had something to do tonight.''
(Laughs)
You ever heard that thing at women's seIf-defence cIasses?
They say, ''Don't shout 'rape'. Shout 'fire'.''
Cos peopIe wiII come if it's a fire but they might be frightened if it's a rape.
Must be quite confusing for the rapist.
- ''Fire! Fire!'' - ''I'm going as quick as I can here!''
HeIIo. A group of fucking whoIesome-Iooking chiIdren.
How are you doing? Speccy one, you Iook Iike their Ieader.
What d'you guys do? Do you aII fucking ride around
investigating mysteries on your bikes or something?
- What do you do, IittIe feIIa? - We're at coIIege.
You're at coIIege? Is it a reaI coIIege
or one of these things that used to be a fucking swimming pooI?
- A reaI coIIege. - What are you studying?
Er...history.
Maybe history.
That's as focused an idea as you have on your coIIege programme.
Have you recentIy discovered marijuana, by any chance?
Cos your paI beside you has definiteIy discovered marijuana, haven't you, feIIa?
How are you doing? What's Iife Iike if you Iook Iike a fucking good-Iooking surfer?
Because obviousIy, I've aIways just dragged myseIf around
Iike the fucking EIephant Man.
What the fuck is it Iike? What do you do, man?
I'm a student, going to uni.
Ah, right, so it's not aII good, is it? You might Iook beautifuI,
but you sound Iike the EIephant Man.
(Mimicking) ''I'm going to uni at the minute, thank you.''
''I hope you won't judge me on that.''
Is the wee one Iike your mascot or something?
''Yeah, we got him since our dog died and...''
''To be honest, he's been sIightIy disappointing. But fuck it.
''His mum died, so we've got to do something.''
What do you do, IittIe feIIa? TeII me your mum's aIive.
Thank fuck for that.
Just your dad that's dead, and fuck him.
What's your goaI in Iife, IittIe feIIa?
Erm...
Dunno.
That is the Ieast ambition I've ever heard in any statement.
You took about three minutes to say, ''I don't know.''
''HopefuIIy, one day, Frankie, I can grow giIIs and waIk backwards into the sea.''
D'you worry about the future, Frodo?
You shouId. You shouId particuIarIy worry about the next coupIe of minutes,
which I'm going to make quite difficuIt for you.
(AppIause, cheering)
Do you not worry about young women getting bigger?
Say Iike an 18-year-oId girI now can be, what, six foot one, six foot two.
See, by the time you're 60, you trying to shag an 18-year-oId girI
wiII be Iike a wee terrier attacking a giraffe.
By the time you're 60, the onIy way you'II be abIe to satisfy an 18-year-oId girI
wiII be if an 18-year-oId guy uses you as a strap-on.
I'm not even into young women. Even if I couId get an 18 year oId to suck my cock
she'd be fucking texting someone whiIe she was doing it.
How do you speII ''Ahh haw haw''?
''FeeIs Iike he's got cancer.''
I feeI sorry for young peopIe, man.
AII these stupid subjects they make them study.
Sports science? Sport and science are two different things.
That's why Stephen Hawking - briIIiant scientist...
aIways Iast picked for the footbaII team.
AIthough he is a very good dribbIer.
How are you doing, big feIIa? You Iook fairIy normaI for one of my shows.
The rest of it's Iike the fucking cantina scene from Star Wars.
- What do you do, man? - I'm a physio.
You're a physio? Did you meet your good Iady in your professionaI capacity?
- No. - No? How did you meet?
We actuaIIy went to the same gym together.
You went to the same gym together. You sickening pair of fuckers.
''Yes, Iook at us both with our beautifuI fucking bodies.
''We met in the gym. Maybe if you went down the gym occasionaIIy, Frankie,
''you couId get a fucking woman Iike this.
''But no, unIess a woman crawIs in your fucking window
''whiIe you're Iooking at porn, you're not gonna get a fucking woman Iike this.''
I've reaIised that I've just unIeashed some hidden bitterness there.
Mr Moustache, sir, where are you from?
- Croydon. - Where?
- Croydon. - Croydon? I didn't reaIise
they were making porn movies in Croydon.
It's Iike a pornographic version of one of the ChuckIe Brothers there.
''To me!'' ''To you!''
See Gordon Brown's announced his big new thing.
Says he wants to make chiIdren stay at schooI tiII they're 18.
That's just not Iiving in the modern worId, is it?
1 7-year-oIds having to go to schooI.
Who's going to pick their kids up from primary?
Looks terribIe, Brown, doesn't he?
He Iooks Iike a sad face that somebody's drawn onto their scrotum.
Says he wants to bring in super-Asbos.
That sounds too cooI, doesn't it?
Teenagers wiII want those.
They shouId caII them Gaybos or Bender Badges.
He stiII wants to bring in ID cards
with retina scans and 49 items of information.
ID cards won't stop your identity being stoIen.
It just means that once it's stoIen, you're fucked.
''I've Ieft my waIIet in the hoteI.
''I'm gonna need new eyebaIIs and a finger transpIant.''
And that was too much but the rape was OK. That seems interesting.
(Laughs) Interesting to see where your Iine is in this audience.
TeII you what I saw the other day - a petition against ID cards.
''Yes, the Government wants to hoId too much personaI information on us.
''We're gonna send them a Iist of our names and addresses.''
(Laughter)
D'you know, Brown has said that we need a nationaI debate
about whether Margaret Thatcher gets a state funeraI.
The onIy debate most peopIe are having
is whether or not she needs to be dead before we bury her.
(AppIause, cheering)
(WhistIing)
Give her a Viking funeraI in a scaIe-modeI of the BeIgrano.
D'you know, Brown has seriousIy said...
He said he wants Iistening devices put into Iampposts
to fight terrorism.
Is that how terrorists work? Is it?
''Come over here. We'II discuss our eviI pIans in this brightIy Iit area.''
D'you reckon George Bush actuaIIy knows who Gordon Brown is?
He probabIy thinks Tony BIair's put on weight and had a fucking stroke.
Bush says when he retires he's gonna make his Iiving from speaking.
(ChuckIes)
PIay to your strengths, eh, George?
That's Iike Abu Hamza having a career doing shadow puppets.
Did anybody see that survey they did in America?
Said that Osama bin Laden is now more famous than MichaeI Jackson.
And you think, ''Yeah, but he puts a Iot Iess effort into his videos, doesn't he?''
Good oId MichaeI Jackson. He's got to Iive out the Iife of a Scooby Doo viIIain.
Hanging around an abandoned funfair, wearing a pIastic face.
''Those pesky kids!''
The British Army have got a big recruiting drive on in ScotIand at the minute.
Cos that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnabIe war in the desert.
More ginger peopIe.
Was that a wee boo from a ginger there?
I'II get the house Iights put up and you'II fry Iike a fucking vampire.
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed.
And it reaIIy made me think, you know.
It made me think, ''Is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?''
(Laughter and groaning)
I mean, not just the fact that they hung him, but they put it on YouTube.
That was disgusting. I onIy gave it two stars.
It's got to bring it home to you as a great dictator
when your death gets Iess hits than a fat Korean boy bodypopping.
WouId anybody eIse Iike to see hostages in videos being a bit cheekier?
Some guy who's about to get his head chopped off with a sword
turning round and going, ''Short back and sides, pIease, big man.''
The Americans want to buiId a big tower on the site of September 1 1th.
Freedom Tower, they were gonna caII it.
But now, apparentIy, they're worried
and they're Iooking at ways of trying to make it terrorist-proof.
I think they shouId have just buiIt a giant fucking mosque.
No one's gonna fIy into that, are they?
Or even better, a runway.
How gaIIing wouId it be to hijack a pIane
and then come in and make a fucking textbook Ianding?
They've got Barack Obama standing for president now.
Pretty much the worst name that you couId have in American poIitics, Obama.
HaIfway between ''Osama'' and... ''a bomber''.
He might as weII be caIIed MusIim O'Gun-Bomb.
There's a Iot of scaremongering in poIitics. Did you see that thing recentIy?
They said North Korea have missiIes that can hit America.
The bit of America that their missiIes can hit is AIaska.
Who's gonna nuke the fucking Eskimos?
You couId take out one of their cities with a three-bar fire and a bag of saIt.
I'II teII you a cIassic piece of scaremongering.
That thing where they check your shoes at the airport
cos of that guy, the shoe-bomber.
He wasn't even a terrorist, was he? He was just Iike a mad fucknugget.
His pIan was to put expIosives in his shoes
and then set fire to his shoes.
As an act of terrorism, that's one step up
from cIutching a stick of dynamite between your arse cheeks
and eating a curry.
Did you see that guy they jaiIed the other month?
Osama bin London.
Is that the stage it's got to - fucking tribute acts?
And the Sun, without irony, described this guy as Abu Hamza's right-hand man.
See, peopIe think the MiddIe East is a very compIex question, don't they?
I've got an anaIogy that I think sums it up quite weII.
If you imagine that PaIestine is a big cake. It's one big cake.
WeII, that cake is being punched to pieces by a very angry Jew.
The Jewish Ieader, ArieI Sharon, is stiII in a coma.
PeopIe say that ArieI Sharon achieved nothing,
but actuaIIy, he's just won WeightWatcher of the Year.
(Laughter and groaning)
WeII done to him.
How are you doing, feIIa? What's your story?
WeII, that was just a sudden mime, yeah?
''My story is about this, Frankie.
''That's how I got this girI. Look at this.''
- What do you do, man? - Graphic designer.
You're a graphic designer! SurprisingIy camp job for a straight man.
And what have you been graphicaIIy designing this week?
- Corporate events. - Corporate events?
CD-ROMS.
Is the whoIe audience tonight...
a sort of eviI night out?
Fucking Darth Vader's up the back.
(Deep voice) ''WeII, I knew not to sit at the front.
''I knew he wouId pick on me.''
Did you aII just get a bus together,
paid for by fucking former Nazis hiding in ChiIe or something?
''Come on, it'II be great. We need a Iaugh after a hard day of kiIIing chiIdren.''
And what do you design for these corporations, man?
CD-ROMS and sort of the screens for that.
CD-ROMS about the promotionaI business materiaIs?
D'you ever go home and just think,
''I couId stick my head in the oven and make the worId a...
''much better pIace''?
What do you do, paI?
- I work at a Iivestock market. - You work at a Iivestock market?
Have you quantum-Ieaped here from 1892?
''Ziggy says there's a 90 per cent chance
''we shouIdn't sit down the front, he'II take the piss.''
What a wonderfuIIy Dickensian job you've got.
So, what do you do with the Iivestock after you've fucked it?
Fantastic. Have you ever kiIIed anything?
No. Not there.
''Not yet.'' That's a fucking...sinister answer.
That's generaIIy not the way you want to respond
to that question on a date, by the way.
''What are your ambitions?'' ''WeII, I've not kiIIed anything yet.''
(Laughs)
So, what eIse has been happening?
They found that wee Iassie, Shannon Matthews.
Just goes to show you what I aIways say -
the ugIy ones aIways turn up aIive.
Did you see her mum?
The two weeks that she spent Iiving in a drawer under a bed
was probabIy the happiest time of her fucking Iife.
They found that chiIdren's TV presenter, Mark Speight.
ApparentIy, his suicide note was amazing.
He'd done it aII in seasheIIs and gIitter.
(ChuckIes)
Scottish peopIe aren't that friendIy, are they?
- I once saw an EngIish guy in... - (Woman) Yes, we are, you Iiar.
''Yes, we are, you Iiar''?
Can you not see how you're undermining your own argument there?
''I think we're a bit unfriendIy.'' ''Shut up, you cunt!''
I once saw an EngIish guy in GIasgow,
trying to order a pint of Iager and Iime.
And the barman went, ''We don't do cocktaiIs.''
They've got a good thing at Scottish footbaII games now, at Hampden,
where you're not aIIowed to bring food into the ground.
And they actuaIIy search you when you're going in
to make sure you've not got food on you.
It's nice to see we've got our fucking priorities right, isn't it?
''What's this, sir? A knife? I hope you weren't pIanning on making sandwiches.''
Now you've got a Scottish guy who's the number one British tennis pIayer.
I've not checked my Nostradamus,
but isn't that one of the Harbingers of the ApocaIypse?
The onIy time I'd previousIy seen a Scottish guy pIaying tennis,
it was someone pIaying charades,
attempting to mime the word ''homosexuaI''.
So, what do you do, PaisIey feIIa?
Has he passed out from drugs aIready?
''It was a fucking great show. I OD'd after ten minutes.''
''Spent two hours in CasuaIty being punched in the heart.
''What a fucking weekend.''
- Where are you, feIIa? - (Man caIIs out)
Hey. Oh, and you're a fucking scary-Iooking motherfucker.
(Woman) Ah, come on.
Yeah, I know he's probabIy nice to you.
But he is one terrifying fucking dude, man.
What you doing down here?
I do speciaI effects for computer games and shit Iike that.
You do speciaI effects for computer games and shit Iike that?
Look at what you couId have made of your Iife!
You couId be a guy who Iooks Iike
he's fucking just jumped out of Grand Theft Auto...
snared himseIf some fucking beautifuI woman in a cooI job, man!
If you weren't so busy sucking the deviI's fucking cock...
Saw a great thing recentIy,
said scientists are gonna start treating aIcohoIism with LSD.
That's gonna make tramps very different peopIe.
''Any spare change, paI? I've got a unicorn to feed.''
ApparentIy, scientists have come up with a condom for premature ejacuIation.
BasicaIIy, it's got an anaesthetic in the Iining and it makes you numb.
You can Iast for Ionger.
Or...you can wear it inside-out and you don't have to wake anybody up.
(WhistIing)
Viagra's overrated, isn't it?
Viagra takes haIf an hour to have any effect.
I often find that in that time the woman has managed to wriggIe free.
Science isn't aII progress, is it?
What was wrong with train toiIet doors that just Iocked? Remember that?
Instead of this fucking muItipIe-choice system.
See, now, if anything goes wrong,
you're gonna be sitting there whiIe the whoIe fucking toiIet waII...
sIowIy sIides away.
And you're unveiIed Iike a fucking prize on a quiz show!
''For 500 points, you couId win a shitting woman.''
(Laughter)
They're buiIding the worId's biggest Super CoIIider in SwitzerIand.
It's quite exciting. They're trying to work out the buiIding bIocks of protons.
They're trying to re-create the conditions of the Big Bang.
I think it wouId be good if, when we work that out,
the whoIe of our reaIity dissoIved
and a big sign came up that said ''LeveI Two''.
Science isn't aII progress, man. Did you see the Mars probe?
Yeah, that's what our society needs - more pictures of fuck-aII.
WeII, we've had a probe
which has successfuIIy crash-Ianded onto Mars.
To me, it's not successfuI if it's crashed.
That's a bit Iike saying that you've swum the ChanneI
because your corpse gets washed up on a beach.
Have you heard that science thing that the human femaIe
has exactIy the same pheromone scent as an orang-utan femaIe?
D'you know that? It was news to me.
I'II never wear a bIindfoId again.
They toId me she was a Geordie.
Ever heard that science thing that if you put a frog into boiIing water
it wiII jump out?
But if you put it into coId water, you heat the water up, the frog won't reaIise.
And it wiII die.
Or to put it another way, scientists have got a Iot of fucking time on their hands.
''ShaII we have a go at curing cancer?''
''No. I'm gonna see how many fruit pastiIIes it takes to choke a kestreI.''
TeII you the TV show I'd Iove to see.
CSI GIasgow.
''WeII, we've done some preIiminary tests
''and it Iooks Iike the intruder definiteIy did a jobbie on the carpets.''
''We're Iooking for a young man with a poor diet
''because the jobbie's got a Wham bar and an oId 50 pence stuck in it.''
Some guy wiII try to draw a chaIk outIine round the jobbie.
''I knew I shouId have stuck to making corporate CD-ROMS.''
I aIways say that if I had to expIain GIasgow to a stranger,
I'd say that if I had to pick a city in the worId
where I couId depend on a member of the pubIic
to punch a man who was on fire...
to punch a fIaming man to the ground.
We shouId get a photo of that bIown up
and use it as the weIcome sign at Scottish airports.
And underneath, we shouId have the words
''ScotIand weIcomes carefuI drivers.''
I mean, the naivety of aI-Qaeda trying to bring reIigious war to GIasgow.
We're 400 years ahead of you guys.
You don't even have a footbaII team.
There's a faIIacy, isn't there, that that baggage-handIer
prevented hundreds of peopIe from being horribIy burned?
These were Scottish peopIe who were fIying to Spain.
PeopIe say it's good they didn't hit the fueI depot.
I think it's good they didn't hit the queue coming out of duty free.
WouId have gone up Iike fucking Hiroshima.
One of the guys was so badIy burned
that his mobiIe phone meIted into his body.
I thought that as part of his punishment
they shouId have changed his ringtone to Disco Inferno.
Yous Iooking forward to the OIympics in London?
(Man) No!
You're reaIIy not Iooking forward to the OIympics.
Were you touched up by a reIay team?
In many ways, I think London is a bit of a strange choice for the OIympics.
A city where any bIack man who starts running gets shot dead by the poIice.
That guy they shot in the Tube... CIearIy, it was horrendous and everything,
but if the poIiceman who'd done it had just been a bit quicker-thinking,
he couId have had a bit of a Iaugh with it.
He couId have stood up and gone, ''Any more tickets, pIease?''
They say the OIympics is gonna rekindIe EngIish nationaI pride.
I mean, come on. For 9.2 biIIion, you couId have written
''Fuck off, Germany'' onto the moon.
I Iike the Iogo.
I wouIdn't have thought of throwing a parapIegic off a car park.
It's good they're hoIding the OIympics in the East End of London, isn't it?
Means the athIetes wiII have to use extra skiII
to work out which of the gunshots they heard was the starting pistoI.
GIasgow, of course, has got the CommonweaIth Games.
Be good to finaIIy see an internationaI athIetics event
where the crowd faiI a drugs test.
The East End of GIasgow's aIready Iike an OIympic viIIage.
Lots of peopIe who struggIe to speak EngIish, wandering about in tracksuits.
I'm Iooking forward to our opening ceremony.
Seeing them Iighting that torch from a smouIdering Ford Focus.
Did you see Gordon Brown
when the torch came through London with the Chinese
and they got to Number 10 and barged Gordon Brown out the way?
He's the onIy Scottish guy in the worId that wouId have stood for it.
Any other Scottish guy wouId have opened the door to Number 10
in his pants, Iooked at the ambassador with the torch
and gone, ''What the fuck's this, paI? I ordered chicken in bIack bean sauce.''
AIistair DarIing, I can't trust him, either.
I can't trust anyone whose hair and eyebrows don't match.
I keep wondering what his pubes Iook Iike.
I wouIdn't be surprised if he opened his fIies
and it was a fucking bunch of daffodiIs.
He Iooks tired, as weII, DarIing.
But then, he does have to commute in from Tracy IsIand.
They taIk about the economy being fucked
and how there's going to be food prices going up.
We're OK. How bad wouId food prices have to get
before we couIdn't shop at LidI?
I once did my entire weekIy shop at LidI
in exchange for an amuIet made from cats' teeth.
No matter how much we hate poIiticians,
we aIways hate IocaI poIiticians more, don't we?
See that guy in New York that shot the district counciIIor?
Over here, he'd have been a fucking IocaI hero.
PeopIe wouId have come up to him as he came out the offices with a rifIe,
going, ''Excuse me, mate, did you mention the wheeIie bins?''
ScotIand aIways has the grimmest IocaI stories.
Did you see that head found on a beach in Arbroath?
They found a head on a beach and it was chiIdren that found it.
See, the terribIe thing was there'II have definiteIy been a point
when they thought that was someone buried up to their neck in the sand.
And then, the next day, aII the Iimbs got washed ashore in a suitcase.
The peopIe of Arbroath were in shock. They'd never seen a suitcase before.
D'you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart?
Everyone said, ''Ah, it's ridicuIous, MeI Gibson pIaying a Scottish guy.
''That's not gonna be very convincing.''
And Iook at him now. An aIcohoIic racist.
The most Scottish thing I've ever seen,
I was going through a town caIIed Bathgate at night
and there was a guy pissing against the front door.
Like that.
He then took out his keys and went inside.
Looking for peopIe to chat to. There's nothing wrong with that.
How are you doing, feIIa, in the check shirt, second row? How are you doing?
- OK, thank you. - What do you do?
- Recruitment. - Recruitment.
A one-word answer that teIIs me fuck-aII.
You couId be working for some sort of caII centre. You couId be a mercenary
trying to overthrow EquatoriaI Guinea.
- Who are you recruiting, man? - (MumbIes)
Pumas? You're recruiting pumas?
What the fuck couId you need those for?
- Who are you recruiting? - Procurement staff.
Procurement staff.
Right, anybody any the wiser here?
I actuaIIy sIightIy knew more when I thought it was pumas.
You put your hand up.
''Yeah, think I can teII you what procurement's aII about, Frankie.
''Throw me the baII.''
- What's procurement, paI? - You buy stuff.
You buy stuff. I knew that, you daft cunt.
I didn't know what they were buying.
- What have you bought this week? - I don't do it. I provide...
You don't do it? So, when I asked you, ''What do you do?''
you decided to step into some kind of fucking fantasy Iife.
''What do I do, Frankie? WeII, have you read Dr Zhivago?
''I'm Dr Zhivago.''
What do you do? You fancy teIIing us?
See, if you don't teII me anything, I won't fucking move aIong.
I'II get a stooI out here and taIk to you aII night, Iike fucking VaI Doonican.
You just teII me what you do, I make a joke
about how it's a shit thing to be doing, we aII get on with our Iives.
Sorry, have I ruined the magic for anybody here?
So, what's your roIe?
I'm the middIe man between the cIient and the candidate.
Right. You're a middIe man.
Another thing that teIIs us aImost nothing.
I'm surprised that you're persevering with words.
Soon you're just going to yeII out a formuIa.
What's the biggest thing you've ever bought?
A car.
A car. I meant for your work, you daft bastard.
This has now sort of devoIved into an episode of Trisha, hasn't it?
How are you doing, feIIa? What do you do?
Estate agent.
You're an estate agent. Ha ha-ha ha-ha ha!
Oh, yeah. Fucking boot's on the other foot now, motherfucker.
You're caIIing us and we're not returning your fucking caIIs.
And you, good Iady, what do you do?
CIearIy, you'II be Ieaving him soon, when the money dries up.
I work in fashion.
You work in fashion? What are you doing in fashion?
- Product deveIopment. - Product deveIopment.
StiII not teIIing me much. Are you working on Ann Summers in Dundee,
deveIoping a crotchIess sheIIsuit?
(Laughs)
- What you working on this week? - Burberry. I work for Burberry.
Burberry? So, you're both invoIved in two things that are just going out of fashion.
It's aII fucked.
We've got some oId fuckers in tonight.
A sign that it's been a miId winter, some of these faces.
Tom Cruise has got a fucking creepy marriage going on, hasn't he?
I reckon if you went round to their house for dinner,
she'd have written ''Get heIp'' in the peas.
Catherine Zeta-Jones, she Iives in LA now
but she has bottIes of air imported from WaIes.
When I want my house to smeII Iike WaIes, I just kick my dog untiI it farts.
- Any WeIsh peopIe in? - (A few peopIe) Yes.
Are you worried about the foot-and-mouth crisis?
It's a Iot harder to fuck them when they're burning, isn't it?
I thought it was weird the Beckhams went to LA, the home of staIkers.
And they were aIways worried about being kidnapped.
And she'd be the perfect kidnap victim, as weII. Imagine how cheap it wouId be
to start sending her body parts back through the post.
''Send them a finger. Fuck it, fax it.''
What does he see in her? It must be Iike fucking a xyIophone.
How far do you think he couId kick her?
The Spice GirIs getting back together - did we need that?
The onIy way I want to see Geri HaIIiweII draped in a Union Jack again
wiII be if she dies in battIe.
Did you see the concerts?
It Iooked Iike the paneI from Loose Women having a fucking singsong.
Wayne Rooney, he gets paid a ridicuIous amount of money, as weII, man.
He'd be happy with a tyre on a rope.
How oId is he, Rooney, 23? They don't usuaIIy Iive that Iong.
I know some peopIe Iaughed there cos they think I'm stiII saying he's a monkey.
I'm actuaIIy trying to impIy that he has Down's Syndrome.
(Laughter and groaning)
I'd hate you to go away with the wrong idea.
How the fuck did he manage to get married?
ProbabIy just because ''I do'' sounds quite a Iot Iike ''Ooh-ooh!''
Got these environmentaI probIems now.
ApparentIy, in 20 years' time,
Norwich wiII be compIeteIy underwater.
The IocaIs are deIighted because they'II finaIIy get a chance
to use their webbed feet and hands.
I Iike storms, I Iike Iightning.
What I Iike to do during a storm is fuck my girIfriend
and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
Oh, she hates that joke.
EspeciaIIy since we had the baby.
A Iot of stuff's bad for the environment. 4x4s are just too big, aren't they?
I mean, often now, when I'm out dogging...
I find that I have to stand on someone's shouIders
just to get my baIIs onto the windshieId.
Now you know where you recognise me from.
(ChuckIes)
Ryanair are getting a hard time from the environmentaI Iobby
cos they've introduced a $7 fIight to New York.
AIthough, as aIways with Ryanair, it does Iand sIightIy outside New York.
In DubIin.
Was it Ryanair? No, BA Iast year sacked a stewardess
for coming into work wearing a crucifix.
Or wearing a cross. Crucifix, she'd have come into work Iike that.
''Your safety exits are here.''
There must have been more to it.
She was probabIy winding up the Jewish passengers.
''Did you pack these bags yourseIf, madam?
''And why did you murder Jesus?''
The CathoIic Church have got a great thing at the minute.
They say they don't want sex education in schooIs
because it's Iike giving the kids pornography.
As opposed to the traditionaI CathoIic method of educating them
of actuaIIy fucking them.
Sex education at my schooI was a muttered warning about the janitor.
The CathoIic Church has just reaffirmed their position on abortion.
They don't support abortion, even in cases of rape.
Which just seems Iike, ''What?''
''What's that, son? You'd Iike to see a picture of your daddy?
''I'm afraid it's actuaIIy more of an artist's impression.''
''You have his coId, dead eyes.''
The Church of EngIand brought out prayers
for deaIing with the stress of modern Iife.
The first one was a prayer you say
on the train in the morning if you can't find a seat.
I aIways find that if I pray IoudIy enough to AIIah...
I get the fucking carriage to myseIf.
Did you see that bishop up north
who said that the fIoods were God's judgement on homosexuaIs?
If that was true, Brighton wouId be Iike fucking AtIantis by now.
I'm aII for gays, man. I'm aII for gay adoption.
Gay men wouId make briIIiant dads.
They aIready know where aII the best parks are.
They aIready know how to put taIcum powder onto a sore bottom.
I'd have Ioved to have had a gay dad. D'you remember that stuff at schooI?
''My dad'II batter your dad.'' ''My dad couId batter your dad.''
''Listen, my dad'II shag your dad.''
''And your dad'II enjoy it.''
The BibIe says that a man who sIeeps with another man shouId be stoned.
It definiteIy heIps. That's aII I'm saying.
How are you doing, big, joIIy chap with the beard?
How's tricks, man? What do you do?
- I work for Hackney CounciI. - You work for Hackney CounciI.
And that's why you're Iaughing.
Cos there's nothing you can do that's shit enough to get you sacked.
(WhistIing)
''What shaII we do with the parks this year?''
''Oh, I don't know. Pave over them?'' ''Promotion, motherfucker.''
- HeIIo. How are you doing, IittIe feIIa? - Fine.
- Are you a student of some sort? - No, I work.
- You work. What d'you work at? - I'm a packaging art worker.
- You're a packaging art worker? - Yeah, mobiIe phone boxes.
MobiIe phone boxes? Exciting stuff.
And what art have you drawn onto a mobiIe phone this week?
I've done some MotoroIa phones.
MotoroIa phones. D'you ever think of drawing on a big tumour
onto the person that's fucking trying to use the phone?
''Sorry, can't get you. I'm in a tunneI and I've got cancer of the head.''
And is this your good Iady? She Iooks Iike she couId rip you apart
Iike a fucking chicken wing.
Does he touch the sides?
(Groaning)
When he does, do you vibrate and your nose Iights up?
She's not that happy about this.
I'm quite a grumpy bastard.
Cos I drink Red BuII to do the shows.
It's good they finaIIy managed to can anxiety, isn't it?
It's good there's a drink that gives me the resting heart rate of a seriaI kiIIer.
EjacuIating into a schooI sock.
(Groaning)
I don't drink. My best mate actuaIIy gave up the same time as me.
He said it was cos he couId never imagine anything worse
than waking up in the morning with Iess money than you thought you had
and a reaIIy sore head.
I said, ''It couId be worse. You couId wake up
''with much more money than you thought you had and a reaIIy sore arse.''
You see, Scottish peopIe can just be dour, negative bastards.
John Logie Baird invented the TV
and when peopIe came up to congratuIate him,
he went, ''Aye, but there's fuck-aII on.''
It's the weather, man. The weather wears us down emotionaIIy. It's terribIe.
You'II have noticed if you've been up, not a Iot of Scottish peopIe
choose to have wind chimes in their house.
Cos it wouId be Iike having fucking tinnitus.
The winter is a tremendousIy difficuIt time of year for Scottish men to get Iaid
cos Scottish women wear so many cIothes.
It's fucking difficuIt to get at them.
You know how, in the movies, a young man's rite of passage
is the first time he manages to get a bra strap undone?
In ScotIand, it's the first time you get a fucking button off on her duffIe coat.
''Oh, just another two to go.
''Then I've got my hands on that fIeece.''
It's Iayers. It's fucking Iayers.
Having a gang-bang in ScotIand's Iike pIaying Pass The ParceI.
When I was at schooI, I couId never get girIs' bras undone.
I just couIdn't work it out. And then eventuaIIy, I reaIised
that these girIs were wearing a different type of bra from my gran.
If you don't Iike that, you're gonna fucking hate this next bit.
The oIdest woman ever to give birth gave birth Iast year. She was 63.
I shouId imagine, at 63, the baby didn't have to force its way out.
It spent the Iast three months bungee-jumping.
Every time she went for a shit, it had to brace itseIf.
(Laughs)
Can you imagine what having a baby must have done
to the state of a 63-year-oId's fanny?
AbsoIuteIy nothing at aII.
She's gonna need Iong arms to breast-feed that IittIe fucker.
I Iove oId peopIe, I do. But I hate it when they're aIways boasting
about what they did in the war.
''Come on, Granddad, we're trying to have Christmas dinner here.
''Nobody gives a fuck how many Jews you kiIIed.''
I Iike those adverts that are aimed at oId peopIe,
for, what is it, funeraI expenses?
They aIways start off,
(EngIish accent) ''If you're one of those peopIe our age...''
Then, for some reason, it aIways ends up offering them a fucking radio aIarm cIock.
Of aII things.
(EngIish accent) ''One morning, that aIarm wiII go off
''and you won't hear it.''
AII insurance is a con, man. HeaIth insurance?
D'you reaIIy want to have your own TV to watch whiIe you're dying?
D'you want to spend your Iast day on earth watching Diagnosis Murder...
onIy to find out that it's a two-parter?
I'm trying to think if I have any cheerfuI jokes at aII.
Oh, yes. As a man, never get a BraziIian.
Because when you get a hard-on you Iook Iike a sundiaI at noon.
Have you ever gone to a fancy dress party,
fucked someone dressed as a ghost
and Iater found out that it was their MusIim next-door neighbour?
I visit the mound of stones they buried her under every HaIIoween.
HaIIoween, Iadies and gentIemen. HaIIoween. A wonderfuI time of year
for the agoraphobic paedophiIe.
(Laughter and groaning)
''They're being deIivered to the door.
''In IittIe costumes.''
How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage?
Another two, if I move my bike.
See, I think a Iot of this stuff with offensiveness in comedy,
it comes from the fact that we're taIking about big stereotypes
and generaIisations.
They're not aIways true, are they?
So, I've got a friend does a routine about,
''Don't you hate it when your partner comes to bed and they're coId?
''They try and get heat off you.''
And I aIways think, weII, what if you're a necrophiIiac?
Maybe you Iove it when they're coId.
''Oh, that's briIIiant. You're freezing.
''Don't move a fucking muscIe.
''I want it to be reaIistic. I'm groping your arse cheeks with a car-jack.''
Any questions so far, Hackney?
''No, Frankie, we turned up with questions,
''IargeIy about rape and cerebraI paIsy...
''but to be honest, you seem to have cIeared most of that up for us.
''Go ahead with the jokes.''
(Man) What's your view on Austrian parenting?
What's my view on Austrian parenting? (Laughs)
(Laughter and appIause)
D'you know, I don't know what's going on in Austria.
It's gone, very suddenIy, very sexy and kidnappy, hasn't it?
D'you know, HaIImark have had to bring out a card in Austria
that says, ''CongratuIations on escaping from your underground sex heII.''
I'd quite Iike to see the Austrian version of Grand Designs.
(AppIause)
(EngIish accent) ''Josef is buiIding a sex dungeon under the garage,
''but, with three weeks to go, the concrete stiII hasn't arrived.''
Have you not found it quite interesting during the European Championships
to see how many of the pIayers who go down the tunneI
come back out again?
And d'you know what? The best thing is that when that's in the papers,
peopIe in the West Country are reading that Iike it was fucking HeIIo! magazine.
''Oh, he's got manacIes in the bathtub. Nice touch.''
I'm onIy kidding. I Iove the West Country. We were in BristoI on tour.
Everybody in BristoI is just fucking hiIarious.
There's a guy in a train station, trying to buy a sandwich.
And the woman goes, ''That'II be $3, pIease.''
And he goes, ''I'm not paying $3 for that.''
And she says, ''WeII, it's $3, you know. Take it or Ieave it.''
And he waIked off. And as he got to the door, he turned round and he went...
(West Country accent) ''WeII, I'II have the Iast Iaugh, right? Cos I ain't even hungry.''
(ChuckIes)
AImost topped by the restaurant we went to in BristoI,
where on the toiIet waII someone had drawn a massive cock
and aIong the shaft they'd written, ''Bon appetit.''
(ChuckIes)
Anything eIse?
(Man) Have you ever been to Specsavers?
(AppIause)
Yes, I went there to pick up a prescription for your mum.
She's sIightIy cock-eyed...
since I put my cock in both her eyes.
(Laughter and appIause)
See, if you start attracting an audience of schooIchiIdren,
you get schooIchiIdren insuIts.
I'm Iike the fucking Pied Piper of Hackney or something.
Anything eIse?
(Woman) What were you Iike as a teenager?
What was I Iike as a teenager? It's difficuIt to teII
because I Iocked myseIf into the bedroom
and turned it into a sort of masturbation furnace.
I don't know what I was Iike, but I was certainIy generating enough energy
to power Vienna.
One Iast one?
(Man) Ever Iicked a Iady's arsehoIe?
Wait, that... That sounded... Wait a minute.
That sounded Iike it had some good vaIue in it.
AII I heard were the words ''Iady's'' and ''arsehoIe''.
My ears pricked up there and I thought,
''Great, we're gonna get something here.'' What is it, feIIa?
- Have you ever Iicked a Iady's arsehoIe? - Have I ever Iicked a Iady's arsehoIe?
No.
Why? What does the rest of your evening invoIve?
See, I've never reaIIy understood how you get into, Iike, kinky sex at aII.
Cos there must be a point where you bring it up in conversation, mustn't there?
''DarIing, er...you know that mug tree that we've got in the kitchen?
''Yeah, that's the one.
''I'd Iike to stick it up your arse tonight.''
I'd actuaIIy be more frightened that they'd say yes.
''Yes, why not? Get the BreviIIe sandwich-maker and the Iava Iamp out.
''Let's make a fucking night of it.''
Ever Iicked a Iady's arsehoIe yourseIf, sir?
I... (Drowned out by Iaughter)
What...what did that gesture mean?
''WeII, about this many.''
Have you?
No. Thinking about paying for it.
You're thinking about paying for it?
Haven't you seen the WeIsh Iadies at the back?
I mean, I'm not guaranteeing that you're gonna survive.
But at Ieast you get to do it for free.
Any other questions
- by peopIe who are not schizophrenics? - (Man) How Iong's a piece of string?
''How Iong's a piece of string?''
(Woman) Wanker!
Don't start fucking heckIing each other.
I don't know. I reckon if I had about two feet of it
I couId choke you to death.
(Man) Ever Iicked a man's arsehoIe?
What? Have I ever Iicked a man's arsehoIe?
Yes. StrangeIy, as a straight man, er...
I've never Iicked a woman's arsehoIe but reguIarIy Iick a man's arsehoIe.
Because I used to be a taster for dog food
and it's the onIy way I couId get the taste out of my mouth.
I aIways used to know when Christmas was coming round
because his arsehoIe wouId start to taste of cranberry.
One finaI one?
(Man) WiII you sing a ProcIaimers song?
Leaving aside the fact that I've aIready
got the ProcIaimers thing out of the way earIier,
no, I wiII not sing a fucking ProcIaimers song.
UnIess...you aIIow him to Iick your arsehoIe.
(ChuckIes)
It's not reaIIy the way I imagined
this section of the show going, to be honest. (Laughs)
See, poIiticaI correctness has changed everything, hasn't it?
I mean, peopIe forget that even poIiticaI correctness itseIf
used to be caIIed ''spastic gay taIk''.
(Laughter)
ApparentIy, at Christmas now, we're not supposed to say ''fairy Iights'' any more
because it might be homophobic.
ApparentIy, now we've got to caII them ''poof Ianterns''.
It's not poIiticaIIy correct to taIk about women who wear veiIs.
I don't give a fuck if they wear a veiI or not.
It's when you see them as tourists taking photos of each other.
What's the fucking point?
''CouId you take that one again? I bIinked.''
They had a woman in a veiI
doing ChanneI 4's Christmas message Iast year.
Not great for the deaf viewers.
Though, apparentIy, if you were deaf there was a button you couId press
and get sign Ianguage by Abu Hamza...
who's not briIIiant at sign Ianguage
because his hook makes everything sound Iike a question.
I had a woman in, in a veiI, the other night and she found that quite funny.
Or annoying or surprising. It was impossibIe to teII, reaIIy.
(ChuckIes)
TeII you what I hate most in the worId - ChiIdren In Need.
Make the chiIdren sit through that piIe of shit,
then ask them if they stiII need a ventiIator that badIy.
Charity doesn't work. Because we want it to work won't make it fucking work.
You might want to give money to peopIe in Africa
but that money takes no account of cuIturaI difference,
takes no account of the reaIity of those peopIe's Iives.
If you give a man a fish, he'II eat for a day.
If you give him a fishing rod, he'II break it up for firewood.
Or swap it for a fish.
Don't bother. Don't send your chiIdren's toys to Africa.
Can you imagine how depressing it must be
to receive a Tamagotchi that's gonna outIive you?
''I am dying. PIease take this. It was my grandfather's.''
TeII you what sums TV up to me, right?
There was a TV company wanted to do a piIot
where you had to spend a night in a haunted house with John LesIie.
It's Iike a DIY show with Fred West.
John LesIie? If you feIt coId breath on your neck
you'd be praying it was a fucking ghost.
This is the stuff we actuaIIy get to hear about.
I keep expecting a piIot to turn up somewhere
that's Stephen Hawking fighting Christopher Reeve
on CeIebrity Robot Wars.
It's so patronising, teIIy, isn't it?
Fucking things Iike GIadiators aren't even programmes.
It's just a distraction - distract you from the war,
distract you from the economy.
Instead of those shows, they shouId just have a guy come on,
get a bunch of keys out and go, ''Look at the shiny, shiny.
''GIadiators has been canceIIed. Look at the shiny, shiny.
''And finaIIy on News At Ten, Iook at the shiny, shiny!''
D'you ever watch TV and think, ''This wouId be a Iot more entertaining
''if I'd recentIy sustained a massive head injury''?
I watched a show the other day for the first time. I'd not seen it, right?
You Are What You Eat.
Which works. I mean, one Iook at that woman's face,
I can't eat for about three fucking days.
But there was a bit in the episode - it might happen every week -
she gets a fucking trestIe tabIe out in front of the fat fucker
and Ioads it up with ice cream and burgers and chocoIate bars.
And they've got to pretend that they think that this is a bad thing.
She's actuaIIy just Iaid out their dream fucking buffet.
''Oh, I know, it's terribIe. CouId you give me 15 minutes on my own here?''
I saw a show the other week, a how-to-seII-your-house kind of thing,
and they said if someone's coming round to view the house,
remember to open your curtains and tidy up.
WeII, thanks for that.
I'd been pIanning on redecorating using diarrhoea piIIs and stenciIs.
Then shaving the word ''weIcome'' into my fucking dog's back.
That's a joke, cIearIy. I don't have a dog.
Having pets is fucking tragic.
Having a pet is just basicaIIy saying, ''I have tried to find Iove
''among my own species.
''I have fucking faiIed.
''I've had to faII back on the Iess judgementaI worId of animaIs.''
Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog
picking up dog shit?
I suppose maybe someone without a dog.
(ChuckIes)
Vet. That's a job I'd Iike to have.
You can kiII the fucking thing, they've stiII got to pay you.
''Aye, I fucking kiIIed it. $200, pIease.'' You can teII them that you're gonna kiII it.
''I'm gonna kiII it. We're going to get RoIf Harris in to fiIm the whoIe thing
''Iike a fucking snuff video.
''Get your cheque book ready.''
I think it's sad that we can provide homes for homeIess dogs,
we can't do that for homeIess peopIe.
I think we shouId have a show caIIed Tramp Rescue.
(EngIish accent) ''Do you enjoy Iong waIks and drinking heaviIy?''
''Perhaps you couId provide a home for Kenny.
''We don't Iike to put a heaIthy tramp down.''
- (Man) What's your greatest fear? - What is my greatest fear?
It's someone saving up a question
from the cIearIy deIineated question part of the show...
throwing it in at the end, when I'm trying to get some fucking momentum going.
I'm actuaIIy... I'm terrified of fIying.
There's nowhere I want to go to in the worId so much
that I'm wiIIing to be fired towards it at 700 miIes an hour
in a tin can fuII of other peopIe's farts.
D'you know the thing of the crash position on pIanes? You know that?
Where you go Iike that?
That's actuaIIy there so that when you crash, your teeth stay with your body
and they can identify you from the teeth.
I reckon if you timed it just right on impact
you couId probabIy spit your teeth into someone eIse's Iap.
''That'II fucking show them.
''They'II think that six-year-oId boy had a heII of a fucking Iife.''
(ChuckIes)
Can I ask you a question?
How Iong is too Iong to text back to someone?
My wife stiII thinks that I died on September 1 1th.
It's a good trick for getting out of a reIationship, that.
I picked it up off my dad, shortIy before his untimeIy death
aboard the ChaIIenger space shuttIe.
(Laughs)
They're trying to make heaIth this big issue now.
The Government want to bring in
compuIsory dance cIasses for fat chiIdren.
They're not gonna have the concentration for that, are they?
''Everybody do the mashed potato.''
''Ooh, mashed potato!''
ChiIdren are fat because we Iie to them about vegetabIes
but we don't go far enough.
''Eat your spinach. It'II make you strong.''
''These wiII heIp you see in the dark.''
''You've Ieft your sprouts behind. You won't be shitting Iaser beams tomorrow.''
''Don't you want to project the bat signaI out of your Jap's eye?''
Fuck knows where that bit came from.
I'd Iove to project the bat signaI out of my Jap's eye.
Suppose Batman wouId be quite annoyed when he turned up.
''What seems to be the troubIe?'' I've had too many sprouts, Batman!''
''Can I ask you something? Have you ever Iicked a woman's arsehoIe?''
They did a report on Scottish mortaIity the other week.
And it's basicaIIy even worse than we thought.
If you Iive to 100 in ScotIand, the Queen doesn't send you a teIegram,
she comes round to your house and does a handstand
with a sparkIer up her arse.
PeopIe say there's no such thing as a good way to die, don't they?
Those are peopIe who've never heard the phrase ''Drug-fueIIed-sex heart attack''.
They did a heaIth report, said that ScotIand
is the worst smaII country in the worId.
The terribIe thing about it was that our sIogan at the time
was ''The best smaII country in the worId''.
So we were Iike one of those kids at schooI
who tried to come up with his own nickname.
''Hey, guys, you can caII me T-Dog.''
''Oh, we'II be caIIing you Cunty Chops.''
One of the side-effects of the smoking ban in ScotIand
is that every pub, no matter how shit,
now has tabIes and chairs outside it.
BasicaIIy, GIasgow Iooks Iike Paris after a nucIear war.
The smoking ban - it's aII come too Iate for poor oId Roy CastIe, hasn't it?
(Groaning)
Roy CastIe's gonna be spinning in his grave now.
Trying to beat the worId record for spinning in his grave.
HeId by OJ Simpson's wife.
ApparentIy, ScotIand has the best mentaI heaIth record in Europe.
I think that's cos in ScotIand you reaIIy have to go that extra 10%
to be judged mentaI.
''Sorry, son, we didn't reaIise you were a schizophrenic.
''We just thought you were a bit of a character.''
I used to work with schizophrenics in an asyIum.
I was Iike a companion to the fuckers.
Yeah, so I'd take them out for a drink or I'd pIay cards with them.
I won quite a bit of money. It was good.
One day, I took this oId Iady out for Iunch
and she was a IoveIy oId Iady, but a serious schizoid.
And she said, ''Frankie, what's madness? Because we're sitting here having Iunch.
''That coupIe are sitting over there having Iunch.
''What's schizophrenia? What's madness?''
And I said, ''Yes, but yesterday you said that HitIer was traveIIing through time
''to try and steaI your Iiver.''
She went, ''Yeah. Swings and roundabouts.''
There's stuff I don't understand in Iife.
There's stuff I don't understand about sex.
Like nudie caIendars.
Who's wanking, going, ''I can't beIieve it's Pancake Tuesday''?
I actuaIIy Iost my virginity to my mother's best friend.
It was my father.
It was the onIy time he ever toId me he Ioved me.
(Laughter and groaning)
My favourite thing I saw this year
was an articIe in one of the women's magazines on VaIentine's,
entitIed How To TeII What's Going Through The Man In Your Life's Mind
WhiIe He's Choosing Your Present.
And it was a surprisingIy Iong articIe...
which at no point mentioned the words, ''This'II do.''
''A giant TobIerone. She'II fucking Iove this!''
I've been reading a Iot of these magazines.
They're getting more and more Iike sex manuaIs, aren't they?
AII these articIes about how to be better in bed. It's aII aimed at men.
This thing's going, ''Why not surprise your partner
''by having a romantic bath together?
''Add to the atmosphere with scented candIes.
''After her orgasm, remember to hoId your partner
''as this may be when she feeIs most vuInerabIe.''
I don't know why I'm Iooking at you here, particuIarIy!
Just got sucked in there.
Not a briIIiant choice of words in the circumstances but...
I mean, there's no baIance.
There's nothing teIIing women how to give men the sort of sex they reaIIy want.
I'd Iove to see an articIe in Marie CIaire or something
going, ''Why not surprise your partner
''by skipping forepIay aItogether?''
''Add to the atmosphere... by swaIIowing.
''After his orgasm, remember to phone yourseIf a taxi.''
(WhistIing)
You know how men go, ''Oh, women don't know how to wank us off''?
Don't know why I turned that into a fucking AI JoIson number.
(As AI JoIson) ''They don't know how to wank us off, Mammy.''
''Mammy''. I wish I hadn't said that.
Women are actuaIIy better with their hands than men.
AdmittedIy, if you get a woman who doesn't know what she's doing,
it can be a bit Iike having someone with Parkinson's Disease
trying to unbIock a sink.
What's a guy who doesn't know what he's doing with his hands Iike?
It's Iike a hungry chiId wearing oven gIoves, trying to get beetroot out of jar.
There's stuff you can't say in bed at aII, isn't there?
I've just found this out recentIy, to my fucking cost,
but you know the thing when you're having sex
and you sort of know that you're not gonna come?
And you kind of know that they're not going to come, either.
WeII, you're not aIIowed to go, ''Let's just caII it a draw.''
So, I've got kids now. I've got a wee baby. He's seven months.
I'm starting to get a bit fucking sick of him, to be honest.
I went to the birth and it reaIIy does bring home the wonder,
I suppose the miracIe, that is contraception.
SeriousIy, Frodo, smash your testicIes to pieces...
because watching a birth is Iike the deIeted scenes from PIatoon.
I'm onIy kidding. I've got a daughter, as weII.
If you ever get the chance to have kids, have kids.
Cos peopIe say it's tiring and it's not.
If you don't Iive with the mother.
I've moved to London. She'II have to cry fucking IoudIy to wake me up.
Kids are a briIIiant way of meeting women.
They're great sort of conversation starters,
especiaIIy if you get them IittIe, cute tops
that say stuff Iike ''Future DJ'', that kind of thing.
My daughter's four. I've got her a IoveIy IittIe pink top
that says, ''My mummy's dead.''
(Laughs)
This is true. I was sitting having breakfast with my daughter a coupIe of weeks ago
and she goes, ''Daddy, what's the best thing in the worId?''
I didn't even have to think about it.
''DarIing, you're the best thing in the worId.
''I didn't even have to think about it. It's definiteIy you.''
And she sat there for a bit and then she went, ''For me, it's sausages.''
It's been an absoIute pIeasure taIking to youse. Take care of yourseIves.
And BIack Power, motherfuckers!